For a lot of women (yes, even for Gen-Z who rewatch the show), Samantha Jones in the HBO tv show Sex and the City was the most iconic advocate of self-pleasure. Who else have you heard yell to a friend on the phone, “Don’t disturb me, Charlotte, I’m masturbating. I told you I’d be doing that all day!” Even though the reboot of the show has left a Samantha-sized void in our world, her life lessons on the importance of putting yourself first, especially your desires, will forever support women. And if you, like a lot of us, are just beginning your journey in self-pleasure, you have more than Samantha Jones to look to. So, here’s a helpful guide.
1. WHAT DOES PLEASURE EVEN MEAN TO YOU?
Ask yourself what pleasure means to you. Yes, you’d think something this basic would have already been covered in solitude, but you’d be surprised. Sit down with yourself and ask what does pleasure mean to you? A lot of women have been led to believe that we need to depend on a partner to help us understand our own body.
Thankfully, it’s 2021 and self-awareness is a whole thing. So, find some alone time, just run your hands and fingers through your body and notice areas in your body that respond with tenderness and those that respond with tension. Use deep breaths to release tension.
The female body has many erogenous zones– the clitoris, nipples, navel, the neck, areas on the back, buttocks, the back of your knees, and sometimes even the armpits. Explore which areas feel comfortable with your fingers and hands. Get familiar with your own body. There is so much it will tell you!
2. SET THE MOOD.
Prepare for masturbation (and say the word out loud to release any unfortunate conditioning around naming terms that point towards female pleasure). Setting the mood could involve lighting scented candles, eating aphrodisiac foods (the movies got it right with dark chocolates and wine and strawberries, you know), wearing soft clothes or even stripping.
Make sure you’re alone. Put your phone on silent and put your laptop away. Ensure you won’t be distracted by anything. (Forgive yourself if a delivery person interrupts your me-time with a package.) Or don’t. You could use some feminist porn to get you into the mood.
Setting the mood doesn’t just mean physically, but also mentally. Start with taking a few deep breaths, begin by releasing tension, and invite imagination into the room. Think about things that arouse you or situations where you’ve felt aroused. You could even rely on some good ol’ porn. Aren’t we all a little tired of repeating that women, too, watch porn?
3. IT’S ALL ABOUT THE TOUCH
After you’ve set the mood and are “in the zone,” explore the erogenous zones in your body that excite you. Use your fingers to pinch, squeeze or softly rub against them. When you are ready to stimulate your vulva, start by making sure you lubricate your fingers or a vibrator like MsChief Adagio (a wand massager) or Crescendo (a rabbit vibrator) with lubricating gel or water.
Find the clitoris which is located above the labia minora and then slowly run your fingers in circular movements. Remember the butterfly touch. Your vulva and clitoris are sensitive organs and respond better to gentle, consistent moments
rather than fast, strong, and impulsive touch.
Increase your pace and movement as and when you feel aroused and depending on how your clitoris responds. Use the rest of your body to help you move better. For example, if you’re lying on your bed while masturbating, lifting your thigh or your pelvis could help you reach an orgasm faster.
4. IT’S A BIG WORLD, EXPLORE
The world of self-pleasure is almost a metaverse. The more you think you know pleasure, the faster you’re surprised by just how much there is to explore with your body.
The best part about taking the adventurous route to self-pleasure is that it’s a safe space. It’s just you and yourself and there’s nobody around to make you question your relationship with orgasms or pleasure.
If you don’t want to simply use your fingers to masturbate, consider the numerous options available to you in the world of sex toys.
Penetrative vibrators are just the beginning. There are special vibrators designed for clitoral stimulation, nipple plugs that enhance arousal, stimulation gels that double the pleasure you feel during orgasm and so much more. Go ahead, get curious.
